ArcaMax

COUNSELOR: Gentlemen, please have a seat. Thanks for coming today. I understand the two of you are navigating a recent conflict and would like some guidance in resolving that dispute. It's very brave to seek help, you know.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: (Mumbling) Wasn't my idea. Mike Johnson insisted.

ELON MUSK: Did you hear that? This is the kind of disrespect I've been talking about.

COUNSELOR: Yes, Donald, that was a bit dismissive. Maybe you'd like to tell Elon about how important the relationship between the two of you is. He might feel a little better if he knew that you value it as much as he does.

TRUMP: I don't value relationships with anyone. I'm sure you've heard that before. I mean, I'm sort of infamous for it.

MUSK: But, Don, I helped you get elected! I donated millions of dollars! I traveled the country campaigning for you! I wore a cheese hat, for crying out loud!

TRUMP: Yes, the hat was unfortunate. But no one forced you to do any of that.

MUSK: Typical. You're obsessed with me in the run-up to the vote, but as soon as you get elected, I'm yesterday's news. No loyalty, no sense of responsibility. We made plans, Don. We made promises to each other. I posted in front of millions of people that I loved you as much as one straight man can love another man. Does that mean nothing to you?

TRUMP: I would like to refer you to my marital history.

MUSK: I guess I just thought I was different. I mean, I'm the world's richest man, Don. Men like me don't come around every day.

COUNSELOR: Donald, would you like to tell Elon how you're feeling right now? I see you staring at your TruthSocial app. Can you look him in the eyes and express what's inside?

TRUMP: OK, well, I guess it all started when you showed up to that press conference with the black eye. I offered you some makeup. I gave a pretty strong hint that you might want it. But you didn't seem at all interested in my feelings about how you looked.

MUSK: Oh, here we go! Next it's going to be more fat jokes like those comments about how I've "worn thin." Binge eating is a disease, Don. And it's not like you're Kate Moss or anything.

TRUMP: You have to admit, you've let yourself go a little, E.

MUSK: It's because of you! I've been so stressed out, gutting all these vital federal agencies. Do you think the EPA just hobbled itself, Don? I did all of that for you. For us!

TRUMP: Plus, you keep saying all these negative things about my big, beautiful bill. You know I'm a little insecure about the size of my bill and it hurts to see you criticize it all over Twitter.

MUSK: It's X, Don. You know it's called X now.

COUNSELOR: We know, Elon, but doesn't Donald have a point?

TRUMP: Yeah, and it's not just the criticism. It's the nagging, too. It's driving me up a wall. First, you want to come to our super-secret China briefing, and then you're trying to tell me who should lead NASA. You've gone Yoko on me. I'm the president of the United States, not you, E.

MUSK: Oh, and you'll just never let me forget it, will you? You're not even defending me to your friends. Did you know that Steve Bannon said you should deport me? Huh? Did you know that?

TRUMP: Come on. You know that guy. He's obsessed with deporting people. And you were born in South Africa.

MUSK: This is ridiculous. I don't have to just sit here and take this kind of abuse. I'm glad I posted that you were in the Epstein files. I'm sick of this toxic relationship.

TRUMP: Do you really think any of my followers care about that Epstein stuff? I mean, there are quotes of me talking about my pal Jeffrey Epstein, saying he's a "terrific guy" who likes his women "on the younger side." There are pictures and videos of me partying with the dude. Do you really think anyone is going to blink an eye at that?

MUSK: Well, I know there's something they will blink an eye at.

TRUMP: What are you talking about? E, you're not going to say something about ... not the ...

MUSK: Yes, Don, I'm talking about the wig. I'm going to post a video of that rug flying from your pasty bald pate like a plastic bag in a tornado. You know I will.

TRUMP: You wouldn't.

MUSK: I would.

COUNSELOR: Look, things are getting pretty heated. Maybe we should take a break? Donald, why don't you get yourself a Diet Coke and some Laffy Taffy? Elon, would you like some ketamine? We'll come back in a few weeks, when tempers have cooled a bit. I'm sure you'll be willing to overlook a few insults once the threat of voiding governmental contracts has lessened.

TRUMP: Good idea. Thanks, Vlad. You're a real pal.

MUSK: Yeah, thanks, Vladimir. We know you're busy, too. We appreciate your time.

COUNSELOR: Anytime, guys, seriously. Russia really sort of oppresses itself at this point.

To learn more about Georgia Garvey, visit GeorgiaGarvey.com.

----

Copyright 2025 Creators Syndicate Inc.